Toxic relationships have a predictable pattern that can be observed. However, this pattern will be hard to spot while you are in it. If you’ve been in one toxic relationship ever in your life, then you’ve likely unconsciously been in them your entire life. The only way to truly break out of this pattern is to go through the healing process. If this describes you, starting with recognizing the toxicity in the relationship and manipulation tactics is likely your best next step. Two half-people trying to find themselves in each other does not create a whole relationship.

Love Bombing

The initial stage of a toxic relationship includes love bombing. This is an intense chemistry between two half-people that tends to leave the weaker person daydreaming about the stronger one intensely at the start of the relationship. It is referred to as limerance in the mental health field. The two see each other just about every day and spend plenty of time together. Phone calls between the two can last 3 to 8 hours, with silly phrases such as, “I just want to hear you breathe”. During this phase, the dominant person is displaying their facade to get the weaker person hooked on them. They are also controlling the weaker person and seeing how weak their boundaries are.

For example, staying on the phone for 3 hours might extend to 6 just because the dominant person wants the weaker one to know they are the center of the universe, etc. It is a power play, disguised as care. Mirroring also happens during this stage. The weaker person tells the more dominant one all of their wants, needs, and desires, and the dominant player mirrors them back. They tell them all about their exes, and the dominant one, the chameleon, mirrors back all the proper behaviors to not be like the weaker player’s exes. The dominant person is also usually dull if actually observed because they have no inner life and only an ego. This causes the weaker player to spill all the beans to avoid silence. None of this initial intensity is real, as the weaker person will soon find out. 

Devaluation

After getting the weaker person on the hook, the relationship enters a stage of devaluation. All of a sudden, this person who was placed on a pedestal is no longer cutting it. The relationship is all about control for the dominant player. If at any point, that control or admiration is questioned, the weaker person must be put back in place with subtle jabs, likely projections from the dominant player. Because the weaker player does not know much about dark manipulation, since they’ve experienced it all of their life, they look within to correct themselves, rather than call out the behavior.

The dominant person always wants the other to question themselves and accept their version of reality. This keeps them in a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn state at all times. In other words, the weaker person is reduced to an animal and forgets their ability to think. Animals are easy to control. Whole human beings are not. This encourages the weaker person to begin making changes to appease the dominant person.

It also keeps the weaker person thinking about what they can do to get the relationship back to how it started. Unfortunately, the initial stage of the relationship was a facade that the weaker person would eventually discover. Upon discovery, they can suggest this is the best they can do and be consumed, or demand changes, which will eventually end the relationship, likely in rage.

Consistent Manipulation

The dominant player wants to keep the weaker person in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode at all times while isolating them from all outside influences. This keeps them off balance and reduces them to nothing more than an animal. The benefit of being human is the ability to reflect on our actions and experiences.

When always in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode, there is little thinking being done, and that’s how the dominant player likes it. Whenever the weaker player starts to recognize the unconscious agreement that heavily favors the dominant player, the dominant player throws crumbs of love their way. This might be with minimal idealization to get the weaker player back on the hamster wheel. There is constant lying, gaslighting, playing the victim, silent treatment (ghosting), isolation, and much more that goes into keeping the weaker person in an animal-like state away from help. Check out the “conversational manipulation” and “manipulation tactics” articles.

Raging / Withdrawal of love / Setup

Once the weaker person has had enough, they start to push back. This pushing back comes with punishment from the dominant person. A punishment we’ve already discussed is the silent treatment, but if that doesn’t work, it gets to a much more dangerous state.

To reassert their control, the dominant person may start to rage at the weaker one. This rage is dangerous because it is likely that the dominant person does not have any empathy and could lead to significant bodily injury or death. They will also try to love-bomb again to get the weaker player back on the hamster wheel, or withdraw love to make the weaker person think something is wrong with them. They go through a cycle of actions to see which one works, then increase the intensity if none of them do as their frustration builds.

When it seems the weaker player is holding their ground and rage and heightened manipulation tactics do not work, they will eventually set the weaker person up by playing on their childhood wounds. The rage might be part of the setup that forces the weaker person to act in their best interest, confirming the wound as they take prejudiced video of the events to dish off to their flying monkeys and smear the weaker person. They also try to get the weaker player to go to jail, so police and courts will be involved, if you don’t die.

Discard

The discard phase is when the dominant person throws the weaker person away. They are no longer relevant, and they find another weak person to replace them through a new cycle of love bombing.

At this point, the weaker person can be cut off in a cold, remorseless manner, without any closure. The weaker person has effectively been replaced by a new one. This might put the weaker player into chase mode, where they come crawling back to the stronger person. This is a huge mistake as the web around the weaker person gets spun up tighter.

You hear it all the time. We broke up, then we got back together. That is the up-and-down that keeps the weaker player off balance, while the stronger one, with no empathy, effectively does whatever they want.

Smear Campaign

The weaker player does not realize the dominant one has seen the relationship as a game the entire time. Over time, the dominant player gossips behind their partner’s back while gaslighting them. After the discard phase, the abuser starts an elaborate smear campaign, reaching out to their flying monkeys.

The flying monkey is someone who reflects back to the narcissist their image and is usually too weak to stand up to them as they chase their approval. During this phase, the partner’s image is smeared, and gossip is confirmed with prejudicial evidence, possibly obtained during the setup. This isolates the weaker person even more, as it seems all of their fake friends are turning against them.

The dominant player rewrites the story to make themselves the victim, rescuer, or hero. This is done to protect their fragile ego, which would otherwise be equated to death. In other words, they have to do this to make themselves okay. The alternative is to face themselves, which is equivalent to death in their limited brain.

Hoovering

This stage occurs after discard. The dominant person keeps tabs on the weaker person to keep them emotionally invested. This will string the weaker person along in case the new supply does not work out. This is termed “dick in the jar” by abusive people. At this stage, having sex is common, so that the weaker person can say something like, “I’m still getting some”, to have a sense of pride that they are valuable.

Conclusion

The toxic relationship cycle is quite predictable, since unconscious choices primarily drive it. To get out of this cycle, you must make what is in your unconscious conscious. This includes integrating your shadow and reclaiming the parts of you that you were taught to disown. You must also learn to set healthy boundaries that are consistent with your being. This process is long, lonely, and arduous, but can have a profound positive impact on your quality of life.
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