It is imperative to integrate your shadow as you heal. The shadow is any part of you that has been disowned and that you were not allowed to experience when you were dependent. For people with excess empathy, this is their anger, unacknowledged rage, selfishness, boundaries, envy, ambitions, dreams, and intuitions. For those with no empathy, this would be your warmth, authenticity, friendliness, emotional depth, vulnerability, self-reflection, trustworthiness, and kindness. To become whole, it is imperative to integrate your missing qualities back into your being.

Just because you pushed these feelings or impulses down and suppressed them to fit into society doesn’t mean they vanish. They collect energy in your shadow, which eventually becomes uncontrollable and eventually makes its voice heard if you don’t consciously deal with it. Any human behavior you witness also resides within you. This humility and awareness are the cornerstone of successfully integrating your shadow.

There are many levels of healing, and shadow integration has many layers. The first layer may just be about experiencing what you were told you had to exile in yourself to fit in. The latter layers make it clear that what is within you is within another, and completely transforms your view of the world. We will stick to the lighter version of shadow integration since healing is hard enough as it is.

After you learn to set boundaries, you begin to learn more about yourself and who you are. Your likes and dislikes, wants, needs, experiences, and such. To move your healing to another level, you need to reclaim the human parts of you that were discarded to fit in.

This requires integrating the shadow elements of your whole being. I grew up as an empath, with an excess of empathy for others and minimal love for myself, though I was oblivious to it. I lived for others and made sure those around me were well. One particular job had a racist manager, but really, he was just a narcissist with a speech impediment. After being fired from the job, as I started to look elsewhere, I had to take a deep dive into myself and realize I wasn’t as bright as I thought I was. It was hard to get another programming job that paid the money I thought I deserved because I didn’t actually understand the concepts. This self-portrayal of yourself as less than perfect was shadow work I didn’t know I was doing (oh, you betcha once I became intelligent, my unconscious rocked the narcissists in future jobs, and I lost great careers through unconscious bargains).

If you do not integrate your shadow, it will show up as a vulnerability that can be exploited by manipulators and abusers, who you likely attract unconsciously. These weaknesses will be used against you by those around you to compel you to meet their unspoken needs and wants. This has been happening to you all of your life, so you will want to take time to grieve this realization. You can protect against this by integrating your shadow parts into your existence.

SHADOW INTEGRATION MEANING

It means to make a part of you conscious and recognized. You would take time to feel and understand that part of you, and then incorporate it into your future self. So let’s say you want to integrate anger. You would sit with your anger, bringing it to the surface without judgment. Let the feeling speak to you, and let the grief rise to the surface if it accompanies it. Maybe start going to the gym and hitting the boxing bag to release your anger, or find another healthy way to release it. Then you would now understand that your anger is a part of you and what it feels like, and some of the messages it has communicated to you in the past (usually violated boundaries). Since this is now a part of you, a manipulator can no longer come to you and talk about your anger problems. You’ve already recognized your anger in yourself, so it would be hard to gaslight you about it.

SHADOW WORK ANALOGY

Let me phrase the integration example with the common daily task of driving. When the sun is out and visibility is clear, practically everyone can drive. Then you have to realize that sometimes it is foggy, rainy, or snowy outside. Based on the driving conditions, you would adjust your driving habits to give yourself the best chance of reaching your destination. So, for example, when using rain, you would slow down and allow for greater stopping distance. You would also be cautious of hydroplaning in such conditions. This would mean you’ve integrated a rainy forecast into your driving. This way, when it rains, you automatically change how you handle the situation. The fog and snow are other parts of you that you would need to integrate. If you don’t integrate these parts into your driving habits, and you drive as if it’s a clear day on a snowy one, you can see the catastrophe waiting to happen. Your shadow integration is no different.

Now, when a manipulator comes to you and projects their anger onto you, rather than REACT with an unconscious reaction, you would pause and listen to yourself and determine if you’re angry or not. Upon realizing you are not angry, you would RESPOND to the abuser that you are not angry and wholeheartedly reject their projection. You would then assert that the conversation needs to move forward, or it will end (a boundary with consequences).

CONCLUSION

If you don’t integrate your shadow, you’ll eventually become miserable when situations arise that require you to act differently, and you continue to act as you always have unconsciously (clear day when snowing). Once you have integrated all the parts of yourself that were missing since childhood, you feel whole, and the world responds accordingly. Don’t let your unconscious shadow be used against you; start the hard work of shadow integration today.