As a rideshare driver, I speak to people from all walks of life. One particular night, I picked someone up whom I determined to be a codependent. After realizing it was safe to open up and speak, we talked about some of the things he experienced while working at the hotel. From the conversation, he eventually said, “The things we do for love”. I immediately corrected him, “For fake love”, and he laughed out loud.

The things we do for love

You’ve heard the saying before. The things we do for love. How cute to suggest that things need to be done for love. Such a saying is uttered by someone who does not understand love. True love requires no action, just presence. However, conditional love requires you to perform until you meet the condition, only for a crumb of love (validation or acceptance) to be thrown your way. Understanding the difference between conditional and unconditional love is paramount to your healing journey and how you can experience and give love in the real world.

Fake love requires deeds

Fake love is not love. It is conditional and based on performance. If you do not meet the conditions of the fake love, then you are outcast or exiled. If you do meet them, you are accepted for a short time until the next condition arises. 

Love is described in the Bible as a presence that is patient and understanding. The phrase “the things we do for love” does not make sense if you understand love. You do not have to do anything for love if it is real. Just because you are, you are loved. However, for fake love, you must do all sorts of tasks to prove to your abuser that you are worthy. Conditional love is the love spoken about in the phrase, the things we do for love. If you have thought that phrase before, then you are likely in the abuse cycle.

When you experience love, you feel unconditional, genuine love and care. Conditional love is not love; it is conditioning a human to behave in a certain manner. If the human resists this conditioning, the conditional love is gone and later used to guilt-trip them. Hence, it was never love. This is a harsh reality for some to swallow, but a necessary one if you are to go through the healing process and enjoy your life as a whole human being.

The proper sequence of events is to love yourself unconditionally as you are without judgment. Then you can take steps on your own and with those around you who love you to improve your life. Those improvements will be made through real love, so they are likely to improve in the long run. Otherwise, most hacks to be accepted by society usually fade away, since there was no real change in the psyche. Just some pills or motivation that goes away when the person stops paying.‍

“ALL THESE FAKE PEOPLE SHOWING FAKE LOVE TO ME STRAIGHT UP TO MY FACE.

– FAKE LOVE BY DRAKE”

CONCLUSION

Most abused and neglected children do not understand what love is. They think the crazy upbringing they had, with scraps of love thrown out every now and then to get them to comply, is what it means to be loved. This is not love as described in the Bible, which is an incredible book if you are healthy and are capable of truly receiving its messages. If you have to say, the things I do for … and it pertains to love. Just know, you are not doing anything for love; you are doing it for survival.‍