So you’ve met Mr. Right this time. But have you really? If you’ve had a prior toxic relationship or ever been cheated on, I assure you that you have not met Mr Right. Part of the problem is that you always open your big mouth. Let’s dive in.

When you go through the latter stages of a toxic relationship, the manipulation intensifies to get you back on the hamster wheel. By the time it’s all over, you may think you’ve been the bad person all along because the last trick of the abusive manipulator is to flip the tables completely. Like literally flip the tables to make you the bad guy or gal. You’ve also been explaining yourself throughout, trying to get the person to understand where you are coming from. Completely exposing your inner world to someone who couldn’t care less about you.

WHY YOU EXPLAIN

Your explaining yourself behavior comes from your childhood. You were forced to fill the uncomfortable silence with explanations and explain yourself to an impossible parent who barely knew about your inner world. In adulthood, such a child continues to explain themselves to absolve them of potential wrongdoing and to ensure that everyone knows where they are coming from. This behavior is not necessary in adulthood, but it will be observed until the individual updates their psyche and matures.

Now, we have the stage set, why am I so sure that you haven’t found Mr. Right this time around? Let’s get into how it works. The toxic relationship cycle and generational curse cycle are unconscious mechanisms that pull opposites together. Both are supposed to learn from the other through the unconscious attraction, but because of manipulation that rarely happens for the dominant, controlling, and mentally ill person.

WHY THIS RELATIONSHIP FEELS BETTER

So, what happens? You’ve been taught that when you go into a new relationship, you need to go for what you want. You’ve just spent hours upon hours explaining yourself to someone who let the relationship fail anyhow. Now, you are either in a state of despair or a state where you must redeem yourself and finally get the ending to the story you’ve been longing for all of your life.

You fear being alone, so jumping back into the relationship is just across the horizon. What you also may not understand is that narcissists are very bland people with very little to talk about. They suffer from adult child syndrome, so a child can only talk about so many subjects with any amount of depth. You’re also terrified of silence because it meant a potential break before harm when you were younger. It was also used to punish you and make you think about your right to exist through ghosting or the silent treatment.

This is a horrible combination that causes you to open up your big mouth when you get into a new relationship. Because you haven’t healed and made yourself whole to not be unconsciously attracted to abusers, you attract another abuser. So the new abuser picks you out or sees you in a vulnerable position and promises to make things better. This is the facade portion of the relationship, otherwise known as love-bombing.

Then you start to fall for the facade and how great they are because they are so nice and may be putting you on a pedestal. Because this presence happens when you need someone around to comfort you, their importance is exaggerated in your mind as they continue to love-bomb. And then you do the worst thing possible. You start to talk about all of your exes and why things didn’t work out, and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Notice, you have no clue about anything about them or why things didn’t work out, and if you happened to ask them first, you got some short, vague answer or some variation of what had been discussed between the two of you earlier (mirroring). You, on the other hand, provide real, honest information about your interior to the manipulator who is putting on a show.

The abuser then takes this information and mirrors it back to you. And then you think, oh wow, this was a match made in heaven. They are just like me, and they’ve had similar experiences. This is false, of course; they just mirrored you during their facade phase because you opened your big mouth and spilled your guts. Do you see how telling someone you don’t know what you’re looking for in a partner is bad news when communicated to a manipulator? Do you see now that you’ve never verified their story, and will receive more lies or roadblocks if you attempt to do so?

MR RIGHT HAS MORE INFORMATION

Now, let’s get to why you feel you’ve met Mr. Right this time. You stay in the same cycle of continuous toxic relationships because it seems as if the people you meet get better and better. That is not the case. Are you able to tell what is happening? You are just giving more and more information about your past toxic relationships, including the most recent one, to your future abuser, so they have more content and data to mirror. This makes you, the clueless one, think that they are a match made in heaven. So the further down the line you go in your dating life, the more perfect the matches seem to be. But, in reality, you just keep opening your big mouth and telling the manipulator everything they need to know to manipulate you. And you provide more and more data for each subsequent relationship, since the prior relationship didn’t work out and is now included in your data dump.

Now, what should be done if you’ve determined that your Mr. Right has already turned into a nightmare, and during the love bombing stage, you thought to yourself that he was different from the others because you gave him more information than the others? Well, you’d be in the abuse cycle and need to figure out how to break away without getting hurt or being a victim of their rage. Then you’d need to take on a healing journey to break the pattern of continuously attracting toxic people. These manipulators are incredibly skilled and can unconsciously fool you over and over again. Your only protection is consciousness, boundaries, and healing your childhood wounds and triggers.

Hopefully that makes sense. But you didn’t meet Mr Right, you just gave the manipulator that stalked you more information about you than the prior one, and so the manipulator has more data provided by you to make it seem like they are Mr Right. Had you not opened your big mouth in the beginning and let the silence linger, well, that would be interesting, wouldn’t it? I urge you to try that on your next date.

This happens in the love bombing stage of a toxic relationship with two half people. Make sure you understand the other parts of a toxic relationship to guard yourself from falling into the same cycle with a different face.