Narcissists and abusers do not argue with logic. In arguments with these types of people, words can have multiple meanings and interpretations. This means there is no actual basis for a real conversation. Keep in mind that the narcissist is not conversing to come to any sound conclusion. That would stabilize their victim, which is not their end goal. They are arguing to ensure the victim remains emotionally invested. Whether that emotion is anger, happiness, sadness, disgust, contempt, or frustration is irrelevant. They just want the victim engaged and on their hamster wheel. These arguments are manufactured deliberately to keep their victim in a fight-or-flight, freeze, or fawn response mode. Explaining anything to a narcissist is one of the worst mistakes the victim can make. Here is the mental gymnastics you can expect when speaking with an abuser.

negative hidden command

This is one of the most mind-bending tactics used by narcissists. They give a command but then negate it. The unconscious cannot process negation, so it receives the actual command, just for the victim’s conscience to correct it. Some examples are “do not think of a pink elephant” and “I’m not asking you to trust me”.

But let’s get to a real example the author experienced. One of my abusers told me during a conversation where things were to be ironed out, “I’m not trying to be your god”. What a ridiculous statement to make to your husband, but let’s get to some processing. The unconscious receives, “I’m trying to be your god”. The initial reaction is that you’ve finally admitted it, as you’ve been dictating everything. Then here comes the conscience to the rescue, oh wait, she said she’s not trying to do that. Awwww, that’s cute. Ok, let me fix my initial thoughts. This is in the middle of a conversation to get things ironed out. It’s a certain mindf**k. Note what she’s not doing. She’s not telling me what she is trying to be and how she’s trying to fix things. And by the way, why are we talking about gods?

projection

This tactic is when the abuser projects their issues onto the victim. An abuser may call you angry in the middle of a conversation because they’re angry. If you don’t recognize their projection, you may try to adapt their nonsense manipulation as you communicate the issues.

gaslighting

This is a favorite technique where the abuser continually tries to get you to adopt their version of events (narrative). This happens all the time after the devaluation stage starts. If you don’t trust your perception, you will be susceptible to this manipulation.

lying

Abusers lie as easily as they breathe. Gullible codependent caretakers tend to believe that most people are telling the truth. Lying by omission is also a favorite tactic.

inculcation

The abuser says the same statement over and over as if continually repeating it will make it true. Abusers are usually adults with adult child syndrome, so they don’t have the intellectual capacity to counter arguments. If you’ve seen a person in a courtroom say their son is innocent three times during sentencing, this is inculcation at play. Unfortunately, the victim takes the bait and responds to the random, inculcated statement.

MINIMIZATION

Things that you value and find important are minimized. Anything that holds the narcissist accountable or responsible is also minimized, usually followed by minimal love bombing.

MIND READING

When with an abuser, you are expected to read their mind. They do this by making a comment that implies how they want their victim to act. They don’t ask the victim because that would give the victim some form of power. However, if they tell a story that applies to the current situation, then the victim should know what needs to be done. This indirect way of getting something accomplished sometimes happens when the victim is already fed up and would certainly not go along with the nonsense without the decency of direct communication. This slight will be saved for a future argument.

For example, let’s assume it is cold outside. Your car has a comfortable temperature, but the heat is not blasting. They may enter your car and start talking about how it is freezing outside, rather than ask if you could turn the heat up so their body can adjust.

implant

Abusers implant their version of events into the unconscious of their victim. This can be mixed with brainwashing, but the premise is based on gaslighting.

avoidance

The abuser avoids the question and starts to answer a similar adjacent question that does not answer the victim’s question.

false equivalence

The abuser equates two things that are not equivalent, since words can have multiple meanings in their deluded heads.

misassignment of credit

The abuser gaslights the victim by giving credit for something that was attributed to the victim to another person.‍

“Arguing with a narcissist is mental gymnastics and draining on the soul.”

ALCOHOL AND DRUGS SCAPEGOAT

It is dangerous to think that because somebody is drinking alcohol, they are just drinking. This is an easy way to gaslight a vulnerable victim. I’ve had a few passengers who blame the alcohol for the behavior of mentally disordered people.

On Valentine’s Day in 2026, a couple entered my car, and the psycho lady was obnoxious the entire ride. She gaslit him and complained about him talking to his ex for 20 minutes, and said she would do the same with her ex. She asked how would you like it if I did that? How would it make you feel? He recognized her game and said, “This is how you control.” Then she projected it back onto him that he was controlling. Then he said, You think I’m stupid, don’t you. You think I’m stupid.

She literally repeated the exact same sequence in a circular argument with herself. At one point, he said, “Shut the f*ck up”, which she then realized she was being too much and acted surprised, then showed vulnerability about how he was an asshole. Then some kissing and play, “Show me you want me”. Then she went right back to accusing him of speaking to his ex. During this second reiteration of the nonsense, he said, I love you. You’re drunk right now. I want to talk to you in the morning. The real you.

Oh, my. How wrong he has it. The real her is there on Valentine’s Day, ruining the day, continually blowing a minimal conversation out of proportion, and getting him to act out of character, where he literally cussed her out. I lowered the radio because it was so intense that physical abuse may have begun to happen, in which case, I would’ve set boundaries in a heartbeat.

Meanwhile, he is excusing the behavior as drunkenness. He was drinking more and more in the ride to escape the abuse, yet he was excusing her behavior as the drunken one, hoping the real her would be there tomorrow. He is so far off, as expertly crafted by the narcissist.

He will eventually figure it out, as he blatantly repeated, “You think I’m stupid, don’t you?” I just hope he is somewhat intact when he does and not in a fetal position when she’s ready to pounce after he does. Three years is a long time to be abused.

None of my relationships lasted close to that, and the fake marriage I had featured a fake 9-year relationship that never lasted more than 6 months at a time. Every six months, I’d want to break up, only to be pulled back, giving my abuser a tighter grip. It was more of a phantom relationship with cheating going on everywhere, and when I put my foot down in the fake marriage, it all crumbled. But the relationship was fake pretty much the whole time. She would triangulate my mother to get me back on her hamster wheel and fake like we were happily in a relationship. The legal marriage lasted, maybe three months effectively. Lol.

conclusion

When arguing with a narcissist, you encounter all of these tactics and feel drained and frustrated at the end of it, with nothing resolved. You have circular arguments and feel like you’ve wasted hours, since the conversation basically ends where it started. You must have self-confidence and trust your perception to avoid these types of arguments. You should also set boundaries and end the conversation early when the abuser violates them. They are not arguing for a resolution; they are arguing solely to keep you emotionally invested.